the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
