You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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