Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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