...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
