the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
