I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
