I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize