I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
