If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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