just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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