i already hear my dad disowning me
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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