you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
