I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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