My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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