porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize