I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
