sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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