I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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