when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
