I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
did i just pee glitter
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
