i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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