i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
