It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
