Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
