I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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