Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
