why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
