I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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