so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
