Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
