the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
