By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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