just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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