Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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