I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
