There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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