just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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