Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
