Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
