She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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