I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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