i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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