my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
