Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
