Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
