go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
3pm strippers are depressing
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
