Sry I called you an 8
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
