I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize