I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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