One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
