the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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