You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You are a genius and a whore.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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