i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
