Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
he quoted the bible to break up with me
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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