:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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