whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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