My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
