My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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