we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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