At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
