I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
