Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize