farters have to be the big spoon...
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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