For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize